Try not to stare at my giant zit while you're taking me seriously.

I'ma teach u bout hygiene now, k?

I love Christmas.

Akin to stuffed animal backpacks...

He's got a knife! Happy Thanksgiving!

You may think this is a late Thanksgiving post, but this turkey will stab you if you continue to think that.

I lost my pen. What are you gonna do about it?

Fat: It's what you're getting.

Vegetables just tryin' to get you down...

Meet my new boyfriend, Barack Obama.

Star-cat Spangler is coming to your neighborhood!

In case anyone was having trouble finding a Halloween costume: I give you... Sexy Obama and Sexy McCain!

Rockin' the grannies

See? I'm magnifique.

Writing...another good career choice!

C'est deliceux!

Not my favorite season.

CASH Money

Chub Chub Hooray!

This one goes out to Lindsey Lohan

Brought to you by The Coalition for Nobody On Facebook Wants To See You Sucking Face

Valentine #2

I'm considering making a bunch of Valentines like this one and the Elephant Seal, with the intention of selling them in sets of 8 or so. They'd be like... 5 bucks. Would anyone be interested?

But not because of money issues.

Not even close.

Idiots.

Vita brevis, cankles longa.

A good option for people who would like to be rollin' in the dough.

Taking out a classified ad:

Are you:
-An attention whore?
-A compulsive liar?
-An alcoholic
-Currently gaining or losing an alarming
amount of weight?
-Not living up to your manipulation potential?
-Devoid of an inner monologue?
-Just generally not a good person?

**Apply to be my new best friend!!**

Benefits include...
-Being able to use all those back-handed
compliments you've been saving!
-Not having to worry about who you're going
to be jealous of.
-Never having to listen to me!
-A drinking buddy who can sober up quickly
when you do something fucking stupid.

APPLY NOW! APPLY NOW! APPLY NOW!

I'm really missing having my social life resemble an episode of "Intervention," so I'd like to fill this empty space as soon as possible!

Incognito

Hit up his cell!

Important resource:

Just the essentials...

Socks. Socks!

Perfect.

as, candy/booze/ponies,

Success at last.

mmm...klippan

Follow your dreams!

Did you forget how much you liked them?

Women need to first assess the quality of what kind of boyfriend they are considering. Here is a helpful chart:

And so on Saint Cosmo's day, we recieve th' gift of lunch meat from friends and family, which we immediately eat, then throw up in front of them.

Cosmo is #1

Winifred, Zora, Bess, Tess, Ruby, Paris, Shakira...

Vote "Yes" on Oreo Cakesters proposition 208

omg, rofl.

Brought to you by the American Council for Jimmy Choo and Elastic-Waist Pants

This is what my bathroom looks like.

Guide to social felony:

How many calories a day do you need to keep your head in an upright position?

Seriously.