But not because of money issues.

Not even close.

Idiots.

Vita brevis, cankles longa.

A good option for people who would like to be rollin' in the dough.

Taking out a classified ad:

Are you:
-An attention whore?
-A compulsive liar?
-An alcoholic
-Currently gaining or losing an alarming
amount of weight?
-Not living up to your manipulation potential?
-Devoid of an inner monologue?
-Just generally not a good person?

**Apply to be my new best friend!!**

Benefits include...
-Being able to use all those back-handed
compliments you've been saving!
-Not having to worry about who you're going
to be jealous of.
-Never having to listen to me!
-A drinking buddy who can sober up quickly
when you do something fucking stupid.

APPLY NOW! APPLY NOW! APPLY NOW!

I'm really missing having my social life resemble an episode of "Intervention," so I'd like to fill this empty space as soon as possible!

Incognito

Hit up his cell!